Maria's Musings

Happy Anniversary and 4th of July to me

2006-07-05T22:53:00.000-05:00

Hayeah right. It was seven years ago today when I was brought to this facility. I remember the weather was beautiful that day. The sun was bright and felt rather harsh on my face seeing as I'd been in the hospital for six months. For the life of me though I don't remember it being the day after the 4th of July. Funny how I could forget the date that my life as I knew it had ended.

I'm not exaggerating. Everything changed that day. Now one day is just like the other. Of course the same could be said about my life before but the difference was that I had a choice then. I could choose where I went; when I went out and how long I was out; when and what I ate; when and how long I could talk. Those choices were taken away the day I arrived here. My speech had been 'impaired' the day I was admitted into the hospital, six months prior, when I'd been intubated.

Lately it seems that my health is going to hell in a hand basket. Ok so that may be an exaggeration but borderline diabetes, low sodium level, wounds that won't heal, an extra forty pounds, all adds up to make me feel that way. Now, I admit to being vain so that extra weight tends to play havoc with my self-esteem, not to mention it's truly uncomfortable to have all this weight on. It's so frustrating. It's not like I gained the weight by bingeing (I didn't have that pleasure) and it happens to be the cause of the diabetes, which is why the wounds won't heal. I'd say I've reason be more than frustrated.

Yesterday was the 4th of July. I tried watching the Macy's fireworks on TV but it just made me melancholy. I thought it might be different if I watched it with Bill but it wasn't. The day was just another painful reminder (all major holidays are) of how lonely and isolated I feel, how much life has changed, yet it feel as if my life has stalled, heh except for my condition deteriorating. I miss the family gathering, the barbecuing, being outside, on the roof, to watch the fireworks. Now, I know the family gatherings wouldn't be the same, my cousins have their own families, my auntie and uncle are getting up there in age and there've been deaths in the family--the most recent was my cousin, last month--but I still miss those times. I miss them because to me, in away, it's as if time has stood still.

This post has been bleak but I am fortunate. I'm alive (though it's by artificial means), my man has stuck by me (even though it frustrates the hell out of him), I've loved ones who visit me when possible. Things could be worse.

My new favorite song.....at the moment

2006-06-22T18:48:00.000-05:00

I found this song by chance on Radio.Blog.Club and went wild when I heard the lyrics. Thanks bliss sis for typing the lyrics for me.

Jose Nunez - Bilingual

The only aphrodisiac I need is your voice
Hearing you speak my name
Beckoning me to answer
Telling me you want me
So I tell you that you're the answer to every question I've ever had about love

Without words I use my tongue to tell the tale of us
Tracing your shadowscape
Kneeling before you my eyes feast upon your masculinity and
All its divinity and I praise you
Because all of that is for me

I begin to indulge myself of your delicacies
Digesting semi-sweet dark chocolate decadence as it melts
Dripping down my chin
Your taste is something that I ever couldn't re-create

Needing every atom of your anatomy
Necessity is placed upon me knowing you are the source of my serendipity
Dipping in and out of me stroking more than my consciesness
Subconsciously I find myself rewinding our love scenes
In my daydreams
Seeing that face you make when you're making me cum
And it makes me want you right there and then

Thinking of you in inappropriate places I get
Tingling sensations in private locations where I wish to be caught between a rock and your hard place

As wetness develops my legs begin to open and my spot turns to a backdraft and all I want you to do is extinguish it

You know my body like the back of your hands
And touch me and send me into ecstacy

My thighs quiver in anticipation of deep penetration which gets me high
Body rising
Sweating
Panting
Make-up melting
Pulling my hair and
Scratching my back
I get a temporary case of tourettes because all I can say are four letter words in a four octave-range screaming your name

ay papi eres tan grande y tan duro y me lo das tan bueno, tu eres mi pecado mortal cojelo otra vez (oh daddy you're so big and so hard and you give it to me so good. you're my mortal sin. take it again.)

You fucking me makes me bilingual
You fucking me makes me bilingual
You fucking me makes me bilingual
You fucking me makes me bilingual
You fucking me makes me bilingual

I see your tongue pink between your lips and I want it between mine
And I struggle
As you lick torturing me
I try to get away but
Not really

Running out of room begging for more up against the wall that has been scuffed by my stilletos
Again
You pry apart my thighs and tell me to be still
And I willingly submit to you because I love the way you dominate me
Demanding that I cum for you so I do as I'm told

You've molded me so I'm good to no-one else but you
You've conquered this once orgasmicless world and multiplied it
Again and
Again

My face radiates with after-glow
My pillow scented by you
A fragrance which haunts me
My room smells of the best sex
Ay
Covered in body prints and finger prints and you above me
Your name written indelibly upon my body in your genetic history

You fucking me makes me bilingual
You fucking me makes me bilingual
You fucking me makes me bilingual
You fucking me makes me bilingual
You fucking me makes me bilingual
You fucking me makes me bilingual
You fucking me makes me bilingual
You fucking me makes me bilingual
You fucking me makes me bilïngual

Another quiz

2006-05-26T14:29:00.000-05:00

I love these quizzes. This is another accurate result, especially the last line. I so feel like escaping now.

What Is Your Animal Personality?

Horse
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Mother's Day

2006-05-23T18:29:00.000-05:00

For the first time in twelve years.....wow it's been that long.....I didn't dread Mother's Day. Time does heal old wounds. My wound was the heartache I felt when I miscarried my baby and the guilt I felt because I didn't want him or rather I didn't want to be pregnant. The heartache was excruciating when I became pregnant again soon after, excruciating because I aborted my baby. I felt so guilty and stupid, guilty for aborting my baby and stupid for getting pregnant again.

My decision wasn't made lightly, not at all. I'm disabled and can't physically take care of myself, I certainly couldn't take care of a baby. Then there's the fact that my disability is hereditary. I couldn't bare to see my child go through what I've been through. I experienced that with my mom and it was heartbreaking. On top of this there was the matter that my babies' father had two children by two women while we were together. It hurt that they gave him children and I couldn't. It still hurts, to this day I can't bring myself to wish him a happy Father's Day.

The pain I still feel is evident by how long it's taken me to write this post. I began writing it on Mother's Day but kept putting it off. I don't believe the pain will ever go away but it will and has diminished in intensity.

Compatibility Test: Me & My Man

2006-04-26T12:05:00.000-05:00

I found this quiz on Desiree Erotique's Blog. Silly little quiz really but what the hell, I like taking silly quizzes.

Maria
&
Bill

81% Compatible

♥ Maria and Bill have been romantically-together for a long time. That alone demonstrates a degree of compatibility. The fact that Bill smokes could be an issue. Both are brainy, and that is a good thing. Their astrological signs are in harmony, which is a plus. Both are sexually-uninhibited. Overall, Maria and Bill are quite compatible. There are a few rough spots, but nothing that cannot be overcome. ♥

Take the Dating Compatibility Test

Your Stripper Song Is.....

2006-04-22T20:29:00.000-05:00

I love these quizzes and this one is right on the money. *grin*

Your Stripper Song Is

I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears

"I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it.
I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it."

You may seem shy, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!

What Song Should You Strip To?

Male/Male Loving

2006-04-19T16:01:00.000-05:00

I read erotica. One particular sub-genre I enjoy reading is homoerotica. This is a sub-genre that is growing quickly in popularity, especially Yaoi stories.

The ebook community is very accepting of man love. Imagine my surprise when I happen across the negative, no, the ugly replies to Laura Baumbach's post about the popularity of m/m erotica. I was disheartened to read such ignorant responses to her post.

Another reason male/male love has been on mind is that I spend a lot of time chatting on Alt.com. People have cybersex all the time in the chatrooms. When two women do it, it's either ignored or encouraged. Yet let it even be suggested that two men have cybersex people get bent out of shape. They tell them to take it to the Steel room, the exclusively male room. You never hear anyone tell women who are scening together to take it to the Circle room, the exclusively female room.

Now don't get me wrong, I've nothing against women cybering with each other. In fact, I've done it myself but I like the idea of two men, to put it bluntly, fucking. I like to watch it and read about it. I find it so erotic, so hot, two masculine hard bodies pleasuring one another. It's ironic to me that on a kink site homoerotic scenes are shunned.

Why must people be labeled when it comes to sexuality? Why are men thought of as not being 'real' men because they love other men? What is a 'real' man anyway? Why must people be so intolerant?

Human nature is what it is. There will always be intolerance in one way or another.

Colorgenics

2006-04-13T23:59:00.000-05:00

I found this cool test over on Sasha White's blog. It's so eerie how accurate it is and it's so simple. All you have to do is click on colored cube which you feel the most harmorny with, then continue until you've clicked on all eight cubes. Click here to get your color profile.

Here is the profile I got:

You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfilment.

You like the better things in life. You are sensuous and emotional. You are a follower of the Arts and you seek an environment that will give you the fulfilment to the senses that you need.

At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way and to get on in the world simply by your hard work and determination.

My very first post.....it's about time

2006-04-12T14:11:00.000-05:00

Well I figured it's about time I posted something here. I thought I'd start with something that's been on my mind for a couple of days....fitted leather sheets. I found out about these sheets on ErosBlog 'The Sex Blog' and I just can't get Bacchus's words out of my head:

Just the feel would be sensuous enough. But as you and yours get all hot and sweaty and those sheets start to moisten and warm up, the room would fill with that lovely leather smell, and it would get all over the both of you, too. You'd be buried in the scent of leather. Can you imagine? Breathe.... Mmmmmm.

Mmmmmmm I'm breathing, I'm breathing. Doesn't that make you want to run out and buy some. Unfortunately at the price ranging from $590.00 - $680.00 I'll not be buying them anytime soon. Now there's another reason why those damned sheets have been on my mind. I've this image of a certain One just laying on those sheets in His silk underwear or thoroughly using a girl. Geeez I get shivers just thinking about Him.