Happy Anniversary and 4th of July to me
Hayeah right. It was seven years ago today when I was brought to this facility. I remember the weather was beautiful that day. The sun was bright and felt rather harsh on my face seeing as I'd been in the hospital for six months. For the life of me though I don't remember it being the day after the 4th of July. Funny how I could forget the date that my life as I knew it had ended.
I'm not exaggerating. Everything changed that day. Now one day is just like the other. Of course the same could be said about my life before but the difference was that I had a choice then. I could choose where I went; when I went out and how long I was out; when and what I ate; when and how long I could talk. Those choices were taken away the day I arrived here. My speech had been 'impaired' the day I was admitted into the hospital, six months prior, when I'd been intubated.
Lately it seems that my health is going to hell in a hand basket. Ok so that may be an exaggeration but borderline diabetes, low sodium level, wounds that won't heal, an extra forty pounds, all adds up to make me feel that way. Now, I admit to being vain so that extra weight tends to play havoc with my self-esteem, not to mention it's truly uncomfortable to have all this weight on. It's so frustrating. It's not like I gained the weight by bingeing (I didn't have that pleasure) and it happens to be the cause of the diabetes, which is why the wounds won't heal. I'd say I've reason be more than frustrated.
Yesterday was the 4th of July. I tried watching the Macy's fireworks on TV but it just made me melancholy. I thought it might be different if I watched it with Bill but it wasn't. The day was just another painful reminder (all major holidays are) of how lonely and isolated I feel, how much life has changed, yet it feel as if my life has stalled, heh except for my condition deteriorating. I miss the family gathering, the barbecuing, being outside, on the roof, to watch the fireworks. Now, I know the family gatherings wouldn't be the same, my cousins have their own families, my auntie and uncle are getting up there in age and there've been deaths in the family--the most recent was my cousin, last month--but I still miss those times. I miss them because to me, in away, it's as if time has stood still.
This post has been bleak but I am fortunate. I'm alive (though it's by artificial means), my man has stuck by me (even though it frustrates the hell out of him), I've loved ones who visit me when possible. Things could be worse.
I'm not exaggerating. Everything changed that day. Now one day is just like the other. Of course the same could be said about my life before but the difference was that I had a choice then. I could choose where I went; when I went out and how long I was out; when and what I ate; when and how long I could talk. Those choices were taken away the day I arrived here. My speech had been 'impaired' the day I was admitted into the hospital, six months prior, when I'd been intubated.
Lately it seems that my health is going to hell in a hand basket. Ok so that may be an exaggeration but borderline diabetes, low sodium level, wounds that won't heal, an extra forty pounds, all adds up to make me feel that way. Now, I admit to being vain so that extra weight tends to play havoc with my self-esteem, not to mention it's truly uncomfortable to have all this weight on. It's so frustrating. It's not like I gained the weight by bingeing (I didn't have that pleasure) and it happens to be the cause of the diabetes, which is why the wounds won't heal. I'd say I've reason be more than frustrated.
Yesterday was the 4th of July. I tried watching the Macy's fireworks on TV but it just made me melancholy. I thought it might be different if I watched it with Bill but it wasn't. The day was just another painful reminder (all major holidays are) of how lonely and isolated I feel, how much life has changed, yet it feel as if my life has stalled, heh except for my condition deteriorating. I miss the family gathering, the barbecuing, being outside, on the roof, to watch the fireworks. Now, I know the family gatherings wouldn't be the same, my cousins have their own families, my auntie and uncle are getting up there in age and there've been deaths in the family--the most recent was my cousin, last month--but I still miss those times. I miss them because to me, in away, it's as if time has stood still.
This post has been bleak but I am fortunate. I'm alive (though it's by artificial means), my man has stuck by me (even though it frustrates the hell out of him), I've loved ones who visit me when possible. Things could be worse.
posted by maripj99 at 10:53 PM
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